I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain. Although I've lost some of the most special and loving people in my life, and the pain was brutal, I can't even begin to imagine the intensity of your pain from loosing your soul mate. I hope that you have someone close to you to help you cope. Being alone is good sometimes, but it's also good to have someone close, to give you support, and to listen when you you need it. There are also times when nothing anyone can say helps, but just knowing that others care can be comforting. Another thing that may be of help for you is to do some meditation. It will help you find some relieve for your mind and can be a temporary escape from the pain and burdens of our lives.
From your original post, I understood that you lost Jan recently. It's probably going to take a long time, maybe years, for you to feel better, but you have to have faith that you will. Jan will always be in your heart and soul, and time will gradually help you find the strength to get through life without his physical presence. He is not gone forever. I have no doubt that you will be together again through eternity. I don't know what your faith is, I believe in God and Jesus, my faith has helped me through the toughest moments of my life. So many times, it almost felt like miracles in my life, when my prayers were answered in the most unexpected ways.
You mentioned that you feel Jan's presence around you, that is so special. In those moments when you feel so low, remind your self that his soul is with you, and that you will be reunited.
You mentioned your love for music, poetry, singing, piano, and more... wow! Sounds beautiful, and how talented you are. How long have you been doing this? What type of music do you compose? It must be help you to be able to express your feelings in such a beautiful way, and it may be easier for Jan to sense your expressions. I read the poems that you wrote here, they are very touching and special.
And congratulations on finding the Moschus perfume.
Janka, I will keep you in my prayers and wish you lots of strength to get through the tough days. Hang in there, everything will be good in the end.
Hugs for you and warm greetings from California.