A near life experince

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ExistenceIsPain
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A near life experince

Post by ExistenceIsPain » Mon Aug 20, 2018 3:54 pm

I don't know where to start or what I'm hoping to get out of this. I have no memory of a NDE but I seem to have a lifetime of aftereffects. As an infant I was left with a mentally unstable parent who has admitted to suffocating me to the point of having to push on my chest to make me breath again. (it was at this point he realized I was unsafe with him and sought help)

I suppose I am looking for answers, and maybe some other people who speak my language after a lifetime of isolation. The unconditional feeling of love and oneness people report experiencing after NDE has felt like my base line, and I find myself wondering if I've been trying to live half way in each world this hole time. With such an extraordinary base line that has done pretty well to stick with me, it's no wonder the interactions in my life always fell short. The empty sort of love a person gives you when all they see in you is what they want to see. Like scooping up part of the sea in a glass the water takes the form of a drink but you can not drink it, and it is no longer the sea.

Lately my sense of time has faded, and I've been finding comfort in the knowledge I had as a child but was unfortunately directed away from. Facing the life long struggle of perception vs reality. It all adds up to something, and as I sit here trying to peace it all together I cant help but loos hope in the point of trying. I've put the best parts of myself into everything I could and still people prove again and again they are driven primarily by forces that have little concern about others as long as they can subconsciously justify their own righteousness.

I feel like I'm loosing my mind, stuck in a perpetual loop of having to tell people how I feel over and over again without any understanding or retention of information. Like white noise I feel like I just fill space for people to tune out, even when they say they understand. Like I'm an adult trying to play a game with children, following a bunch of rules that just don't make sense. Or trying to find your mark for a play you never rehearsed.. except you feel like you know your lines but somehow all the parts just don't add up.

I have suspected I may be on the autistic spectrum but that doesn't quite add up. I recently self diagnosed with catatonic depression, and all though I feel I personally relate to and possibly could be categorized under many labels this is the first time I feel justified in giving myself a real diagnoses. I have a lot of anxiety and trauma around getting professional help, even though I keep trying it never pans out. (I've yet to go in with this new insight)

Going from what I can only assume was a NDE at such a young age, into catatonic depression and repeated, escalating emotional trauma has left me in an odd state of self awareness but inaction. At least this is the understanding I'm developing, and trying to work off. I don't have much energy to put into researching threw other peoples experiences, and everything I have found is so much different than what I feel I am going threw. How do you know a NDE with no before and after comparison?



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Garry
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Re: A near life experince

Post by Garry » Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:07 pm

If I may ask, ExistenceIsPain, How old are you?

Do you have a job that you need to go to every day?

I myself am 64 and retiring at the end of the year. I tell you this and ask the questions above for a reason.

This is something I found a while ago and there are so many things in it that I have adopted for myself of which I am going to highlight the ones that resonate with me and perhaps you can pick some things out of it for yourself

The Top 37 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Old 


1. Not traveling when you had the chance.
Traveling becomes infinitely harder the older you get, especially if you have a family and need to pay the way for three-plus people instead of just yourself.

2. Not learning another language.
You’ll kick yourself when you realize you took three years of a language in high school and remember none of it.

3. Staying in a bad relationship.
No one who ever gets out of a bad relationship looks back without wishing they made the move sooner.

4. Forgoing sunscreen.
Wrinkles, moles, and skin cancer can largely be avoided if you protect yourself. You can use Coconut oil!

5. Missing the chance to see your favourite musicians.
“Nah, dude, I’ll catch Nirvana next time they come through town.” Facepalm.

6. Being scared to do things.
Looking back you’ll think, What was I so afraid of, comfort zone?

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.
Too many of us spend the physical peak of our lives on the couch. When you hit 40, 50, 60, and beyond, you’ll dream of what you could have done.

8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.
Few things are as sad as an old person saying, “Well, it just wasn’t done back then.”

9. Not quitting a terrible job.
You Look, you gotta pay the bills. But if you don’t make a plan to improve your situation, you might wake up one day having spent 40 years in hell.

10. Not trying harder in school.
It’s not just that your grades play a role in determining where you end up in life. Eventually you’ll realize how neat it was to get to spend all day learning, and wish you’d paid more attention.

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.
Too many of us spend our youth unhappy with the way we look, but the reality is, that’s when we’re our most beautiful.


12. Being afraid to say “I love you.”
When you’re old, you won’t care if your love wasn’t returned — only that you made it known how you felt.

13. Not listening to your parents’ advice
You don’t want to hear it when you’re young, but the infuriating truth is that most of what your parents say about life is true.

14. Spending your youth self-absorbed.
You’ll be embarrassed about it, frankly.

15. Caring too much about what other people think.
In 20 years you won’t give a darn about any of those people you once worried so much about.


16. Supporting others’ dreams over your own.
Supporting others is a beautiful thing, but not when it means you never get to shine.


17. Not moving on fast enough.
Old people look back at the long periods spent picking themselves off the ground as nothing but wasted time.

18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.
What’s the point of re-living the anger over and over
?

19. Not standing up for yourself.
Old people don’t take sh*t from anyone. Neither should you.


20. Not volunteering enough.
OK, so you probably won’t regret not volunteering Hunger Games style, but nearing the end of one’s life without having helped to make the world a better place is a great source of sadness for many.

21. Neglecting your teeth.
Neglecting your teeth.
Brush. Floss. Get regular checkups. It will all seem so maddeningly easy when you have dentures.

22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.
Most of us realize too late what an awesome resource grandparents are. They can explain everything you’ll ever wonder about where you came from, but only if you ask them in time.


23. Working too much.
No one looks back from their deathbed and wishes they spent more time at the office, but they do wish they spent more time with family, friends, and hobbies.


24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.
Knowing one drool-worthy meal will make all those dinner parties and celebrations that much more special.

25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.
Young people are constantly on the go, but stopping to take it all in now and again is a good thing.


26. Failing to finish what you start.
Failing to finish what you start.
“I had big dreams of becoming a nurse. I even signed up for the classes, but then...”

27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.
You will go to hundreds, if not thousands, of parties in your life. Wouldn’t it be cool to be the life of them all?

28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.
Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations. Don’t let them tell you, “We don’t do that.”


29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.
People grow apart. Clinging to what was, instead of acknowledging that things have changed, can be a source of ongoing agitation and sadness.


30. Not playing with your kids enough.
When you’re old, you’ll realize your kid went from wanting to play with you to wanting you out of their room in the blink of an eye.


31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).
Knowing that you took a leap of faith at least once — even if you fell flat on your face — will be a great comfort when you’re old.

32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.
Networking may seem like a bunch of crap when you’re young, but later on it becomes clear that it’s how so many jobs are won.

33. Worrying too much.
As Tom Petty sang, “Most things I worry about never happen anyway.”

34. Getting caught up in needless drama.
Who needs it?

35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.
Not spending enough time with loved ones.
Our time with our loved ones is finite. Make it count.

36. Never performing in front of others.
This isn’t a regret for everyone, but many elderly people wish they knew — just once — what it was like to stand in front of a crowd and show off their talents.

37. Not being grateful sooner.
It can be hard to see in the beginning, but eventually, it becomes clear that every moment on this earth — from the mundane to the amazing — is a gift that we’re all so incredibly lucky to share.


Why Am I Here


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ExistenceIsPain
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Re: A near life experince

Post by ExistenceIsPain » Mon Aug 20, 2018 11:52 pm

I am 27, I have chronic pain that keeps me from being able to work. I have a remarkable control and understanding of the things on this list. Many things that seam like common sense to me, the people around me struggle with. Even making me feel like I'm crazy because I see the real world application it takes to bring these things into your life. (or some variation on the list according to personal preference/relevants.)

My problem is that I don't have the energy to take action. I know the importance's of focusing on my health but if I cant get out of bed to improve the situation because I cant think strait from all the pain, then knowing what to do doesn't help me. I have minimal energy to spend, so I am very cautious with where I put my efforts. Right now I am in survival mode, nothing is perfect but I am taking steps in the right direction and I have faith in myself to make the right decisions because I usually do.

This post isn't really about all that though, It is just a brief intro into what I am currently going threw. I realize its a bit confusing because its all tied into mental health issues and trauma and I feel like I could right a book or two by now so trying to narrow that down to an intro is a bit daunting.

It just seams like what I'm going threw is unique, did I have a NDE? if so what affect would that have on an undeveloped brain simultaneously processing trauma? I cant even find anyone to have conversations with about this, doctors just want to medicate you and our society is content to alienate personal experiences even if they do have some scientific backing. Who is studding this stuff?because I think they would get a kick out of me.

I don't know how good I am at painting a full picture these days. As I said time has lost meaning, I find myself drifting in and out of the state artists often sight, describing how the words just flowed out of them. Often I find my own words trite or pretentious but if I try to alter them from how they naturally come out it becomes hard for me to put a sentence together.

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Martina
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Re: A near life experince

Post by Martina » Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:35 pm

Hi ExistenceIsPain I would advise you to try hypnotherapy to find out more about the experience you had when you were small. Mainstream doctors and therapy will likely not help you as you have found out already. Find someone who is trained in hypnosis and open to/familiar with nde/obe/past life regression etc. I think this could help you. Your chronic pain might come from the trauma that was inflicted on you when you were an infant and that you haven't been able to heal yet. I think a part of you has possibly remained in an emotional shock ever since and that shock translates into physical pain and depression.

Reiki is another good way to help emotional and physical healing and will increase your energy levels.

In addition I would advise you to take Bachflowers, especially Star of Bethlehem but possibly others too, on a longterm basis. Here is a link to all Bachflower essences and their indications. Just read through them see which ones resonate with you. But definitely take Star of Bethlehem.

http://www.bachflower.com/original-bach ... -remedies/

You have experienced a tremendous betrayal when you were helpless. No wonder you feel as you do. You can find a way forward, it will take time, and help from good alternative therapists, but it is possible. I wish you all the best.

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