October 2016 (The Two Orbs)
2016. I do not recall the exact dates as I was much of this time in a very bad physical
and psychological state. For the most part I was glued to my bed and refused to
leave the confines of my room because of how pained and disoriented I was.
It all started a few weeks previously during which I was given an injection of Invega Trinza
for my schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms. During the first week or so
I was feeling better, as it were more calm, collected, and freer of fear and anxiety. However,
as time wore on, things only became worse and worse.
I started to have episodes of intense dread and anxiety, mostly at night, such as I never had before,
and these feelings were linked to thoughts of hell, death, judgment by God, and ultimately
despair. Now, these thoughts within me have existed for much of my adult and adolescent life,
but after my injection of Invega they took on an even more intense shape, as though all
my previous feelings of life and well-being were illusory compared with them, and that the real
conclusion was that I would indeed be damned and forsaken by God because of my (as it were) "sins."
This is when I started to not sleep well at night. And as the days progressed, I could not sleep at all.
My mind was filled with extremely dark thoughts of guilt and shame over various things I'd done. I can only say that
it was as though all my previous life of (as it were) "sins" was pressing down upon me and I was choking
myself to death with razor-wire. My mind and will were racing to find a way, anyway, to escape the pain
that my mind was in, and to find some sort of solace or hope, though a part of me disbelieved that such
existed. The only relief I had was in my room where sounds and sights were kept to a minimum and I could
find a modicum of peace in silence and sensory deprivation.
However, that peace and silence became more and more hard to preserve, and as time went on I didn't
even want to eat. Then, after a particularly dark thought, I started bleeding profusely from my nose.
It stopped after a while, but then it started again, and off and on I bled a copious amount of blood.
Each time it felt a part of me was dying, or that I was losing my (as it were) "life-force"
(not to mention sanity).
So then my mother took me to the emergency room where I was hooked to an electrocardiogram machine.
Everything it registered turned out to be normal, even though my pulse was incredibly high. After being
monitored for a number of hours, I returned home and was given pills to flush out the Invega in my system.
Once again, I could not sleep, and I was in constant terror that I would again start bleeding. I continued
to harbor incredibly negative thoughts and believed that perhaps I was the Antichrist and that the end of
the world was imminent (a running theme in my life). I struggled to find at least a tiny modicum of sleep;
it must have been a week since I felt I'd had any.
And then one day came where I encountered something strange. Looking out my bedroom window I noticed a
circle of light, as though it were the sun, except, in some way, different. I noticed that this light seemed to glow
or "pulsate" in a way that I'd never seen the sun do. I could stare at it on and on and it would not hurt my
eyes. After a while this light seemed to disappear, and afterwards I wondered if it hadn't indeed
just been the sun slightly covered over by clouds. But then something else happened. A day or two later,
in the morning (I still had not slept), I decided to go downstairs for a little bit.
Once I'd gone down, it hit me. Looking on through the large living room window of my house,
I saw what appeared to be two distinct lights in the form of glowing orbs. One orb was considerably larger
than the other and was directly above it. The other smaller one looked just like the sun did the other
day, only more distinct, golden-hued, and, as it were, "busier." That is, there seemed to be some sort
of activity on its surface, like tiny bubbles popping continuously. On the other hand, the big orb, while it
too emanated light, seemed more subdued, or relaxed. But all this detail wasn't the first thing that struck
me about them, for I intuitively grasped what they were or were supposed to represent.
It was the Father (the large orb) and the Son (the small orb)! And they had come to judge me!
At least, that is the kind of fearful mindset I then had. Both my parents had already gone to work and
the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. All the time I was walking around the house,
fearful, thinking that Divine Wrath and Judgment were about to explode from the sky and engulf me.
But, it didn't happen. I ended up walking fearfully around the house, in constant worry, for perhaps an hour,
only to find that nothing bad occurred. Somehow or other, the vision dissipated after I returned to my room.
I did not witness it disappear; only later on it simply wasn't there anymore.
I basically assume now that this vision couldn't have been visible by anyone besides me. Yet it seemed to have been
fixed in the sky and not visible anywhere else. I do not believe it was an hallucination even though,
granted, I had lost blood and not slept for days. There was something too solid and consistent seeming about
what I saw, it not being fluid or chaotic, as I would expect a mere hallucination to be (and I have hallucinated in
the past to a minor degree). Ultimately, I believe what I saw was a real aspect of existence and not just my
brain fizzing the wrong chemicals or misfiring.
Days went on. After a while I started eating and sleeping again, and slowly returned to the land of the living, as it were.
Somehow or other my thinking became less dark, and I gained some level of hope. I did not bleed so much ever again,
though I was vigilant about it for many months afterwards and did suffer a few minor nosebleeds since.
Since those initial bleedings I've had to adapt to a "new normal." I still feel empty and dead inside and even minor
changes in room temperature bother me inordinately. I feel psychologically frailer since I've bled out my "life-force",
and expect I'll remain this way to the day I die, barring some sort of miracle. Nevertheless, I have committed
myself to being as hopeful as I possibly can, as I will shortly explain.
I resumed taking my standard medication for schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder (Olanzipine), and have
since then also started on an antidepressant (Zoloft) which I feel has helped me, especially the past year or so.
I continue to talk to a therapist once a week and now feel I am in stable condition.
I did not tell anyone about the orbs for a long time, not being sure what to make of them myself. However,
looking back upon this experience, and having gained knowledge of near-death experiences, along with that of
wisdom traditions, I have questioned and altered my judgmental mindset concerning it. I have even come to
derive a bit of beauty and grace from this vision. For, if God had really intended to judge me and damn me for
all eternity to hell, why should he have greeted me with such a benign and even lovely vision to start with? The
lights that I saw contained no wrath that I could detect, and were rather resplendent beings radiating
goodness and, dare I say, love?
I decided a while ago that the only antidote to my nightmarish life of guilt and recrimination was to change my way of
thinking. And, with this decision, I have noticed actual results accrue thanks to it. I now try to see myself as loving
and of the nature of love. I try to live my life as freely, rationally, and independently of enervating forces as I can.
I try to stay in the present moment, and take pride in taking back my life from negativity and chaos, as feeble
and as gradual as those attempts may be. Likewise, I try to see God as being infinitely merciful, forgiving, and loving,
and not judgmental in any way.
My hope in writing is to both express myself and share my experience with others. I hope to contribute to the
knowledge pool of paranormal phenomena and wish that my story will benefit the reader in whatever way possible.
Thank you very much, and God bless you.