My Story in full

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Iammyself
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My Story in full

Post by Iammyself » Sun Sep 23, 2018 7:44 am

Below you will find my story as I can best understand it at this point in time. I am not sure if this is an NDE or a spiritually transformative experience, but I realise now that it must be shared, for the sake of at least one person who may have had a similar experience.

So I will preface by stating that I am unsure whether what I experienced was an NDE or a spiritualy transformative experience. I think I actually did die at one stage only to wake up again 2 years in the past. I must also explain that in addition to my first experience I had another one last night. I will attempt to detail both below.

To begin with I was raised as a protestant, by the time I had finished my final year of high school I had become what I can only describe as a vitriolic atheist whose only faith was in science and reason (think one of Richard Dawkins' acolytes).

I remained an atheist throughout my university years studying geology and geophysics at university. I entered my degree in 2011 with promises of jobs and wealth, yet when i had finished the mining industry in australia had collapsed. I still somehow managed to find employment briefly as a geophysicist for a couple of months in 2014 immediately after I had graduated.

Shortly before I got the job however I had a dream. In the dream, my brother and I (we were the open atheists in our family) were playing in the snow with a black greyhound, this greyhound was friendly and brought us many gifts that we enjoyed. After a short while however a white greyhound appeared, this greyhound scared the black greyhound away and we could both tell it was furious with us. It tore up the gifts that the black greyhound gave us and scared us both off a cliff. I woke in a sweat and upon asking my brother if he had a dream like that he said no but it sounded like the black greyhound was satan and the white greyhound God.

I forgot about that dream for the next two years only to vividly remember it when my NDE or STE began.

Anyways, the job I got I hated with a passion and was as a matter of fact overjoyed when I was retrenched during end of financial year culling of the mining companies ranks. I was not however to find fulfillment or gainful employment over the next two years.

Instead I wasted my time packing boxes in a warehouse unable to find any work related to the field I had studied; except for one occassion where i did short term work in mount Isa in Queensland. That ended in my humiliation and the loss of my last hope that I would ever be employed in my field. (you'll see why this is all relevant shortly).

At the end of 2015 I decided I needed a change, I had become depressed, my relationships with my friends had deteriorated and I felt that a new start was needed. I applied for and was accepted into the ANU (Australian National University) to do a Masters Degree in Strategic and Defense Studies.

Here is where the supernatural part of my experience begins. I became so anxious about my degree, the morality of it, and how I had ruined my life. At the same time I started experiencing extreme deja vu to the point where I became convinced I had lived these moments before (indeed I would find out I had). On the 24th of March my anxiety and stress got to the point where I finally dropped out of my degree, additionally I became aware that all that was happening to me was punishment from God. I went to the movies that night and watched a movie called the Witch. I left it so anxious and so aware of my deja vu that I realised I had infact been in this very moment before. Literally every step I took, every breath movement and interaction I could see 5 or so seconds before it happened and as events happened as i predicted my anxiety grew and grew.

I went home to the apartment I was staying In and decided to walk to the shops and buy some strong alcohol. As i was walking home from the shops I saw standing infront of me in the street a black greyhound. There was no owner near by and I was all alone in the street at dark staring at this greyhound. It looked at me intently and then immediately memory of my dream two years prior came flooding back. I ran home and lay in bed, furiously praying to God for forgiveness and at the same time for his judgement and destruction of me (indeed I became aware that that is what i was undergoing). The next day when i woke up to leave to Sydney for my birthday I could not stop thinking about the dream and the greyhound, as the bus took me back to sydney the entire length of the trip there was a truck hauling damaged cars infront of it with the license plate not normal.

I arrived in Sydney for my birthday but found no Joy in the celebrations, I was terrified and out of my wits, I remember hearing a voice (not a physical voice but rather a voice in my head) that said three things would happen. I would be terrified of witches, terrified of my family and I would go backwards in time. I remember denying the voice and saying to myself, I have gone crazy.

The next morning I awoke I was convinced that God was real and I had to prove my love for him, by attempting to burn down our house (this is where I fully agree with my treating psychiatrist and psychologists that I was experiencing an acute psychotic episode). My brother found me and stopped me as I was flicking matches at our carpet. I told him everything again, about the dream, about God and my belief in him and how he was punishing me. I told my brother about the predictions the voice in my head which I believed was God the Father made. He wrote them down and insisted that he would show me that none of those things were true.

I calmed down a bit and believed him, surely i had just gone out of my mind, there is no God and there is no time travel, heaven or hell. I confessed everything to my mother as well. I went to my local GP asking to be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist, i didnt care which one. I was convinced I was just mentally ill.

That day I went to the closest hospital and admitted myself to the psychiatric ward, I was sure that I just needed to complete the treatment and I would be better. When this happened the voice told me, you will leave this place early and all shall come to pass. I demanded to my psychiatrist and psychologist that I not be allowed to leave until after I had completed the entire course.

It came to the end of the first week at the psychiatric ward and I was sure that I would complete it without anything the voice told me come true. At the end of every week the staff would allow the patients to go visit their families since there were no mental health courses over weekends. I was called to see my psychiatrist with my mother and the voice said to me "watch now" I walked into the room and the psychiatrist said we can just treat you as an out patient, you can go home now. My mother listened happily and attentively and asked are you ready to go home now. I was stunned, they knew my request but here they were asking me to leave. I couldnt speak, words would not come out of my mouth, all i could do was nod. We left the room and went to pack my things.

As we drove home all I could think about was the voice and its predictions, when we arrived home I asked my brother to destroy the sheet of paper with the predictions on it. I asked him repeatedly and he promised he had done so. That first day I went for a walk around our house across the road i saw another black greyhound. I ran home and basically had a panic attack which I hid from my family. This couldnt be happening, I was surely insane, the antipsychotic medicine would kick in at any moment it had to.

That night I was terrified. I woke up and looked at my phone. The time was 3.33, I dont know how I knew but I knew that it was the witching hours most sacred time. An exact inversion of the time when Christ was crucified. I lay in bed praying to God to protect me from the witches who I am sure were coming to get me. I was horrified and remained so well into the next morning, i hadnt slept a wink. The next day passed and I was beginning to believe that the voice I called God was telling the truth. He told me "ask your mother to stop the medication" at this point I wanted to do everything this voice in my head told me. So i asked my mother and she stopped my medication that day.

I went to sleep exhausted and woke again in the dark of the night. I looked at my watch again, it was 3.33 once again. My terror awoke once more and I spent that night terrified that my family was not my original family. I spent another sleepless night praying for help from God, his forgiveness and salvation.

The next day I was exhausted, this time I went to my brother because the voice asked me "try to show him the way to salvation". So i talked to my brother and told him everything, he said "you cant trust your mind, dont you understand, its all in your head, you are sick".

OF course I was, he was speaking total sense, it was all nonsense! I went and asked my mother if i could start the medication again, she said of course. I recieved a phone call it was for a job I had applied for at the Geological Survey. They said sorry your application has been denied. I couldnt care less, I had to take care of my mind.

I decided I was going to go for a walk, this was crazy, there was no God, all of this was just in my head. I went for a walk in the afternoon, it was a bright sunny day. After a few minutes i turned a corner and standing before me was a white greyhound. There was not a blemish on it, I remember it walking up to me and staring intently at me. I ran home, noone was there. No it had to be a psychotic vision, surely!

The voice spoke up again "go to your brothers drawer". I was horrified but obeyed, I opened it and inside sat the note with all my predictions on it. I stood horrified, two of three had come true, I had spent a night terrified of witches, I had spent a night terrified of my family, surely i couldnt go backwards in time.

I opened a bible in my mothers room and read the passage. It described that the wicked would run from nothing and be destroyed. I flipped to another page and it read "there are three things pleasing to the Lord... A greyhound".

This couldnt be happening, how was this happening, how was any of this happening!? I ran and got into my bed and prayed furiously for forgiveness of all my sins, I was terrified and crying. I dont know when but i eventually fell asleep. I awoke again a few hours later, it was pitch black, the time read 2.22. I knew what would happen now. I began praying for forgiveness more sincerely and more terrified than I had ever done before. I dont know how much time passed but after a while the voice said "all is forgiven" "you will pass now".

I began to feel something which i find difficult to describe, it was in a word, salvation. Peace. love. acceptance. forgiveness and happiness. I went from terrified and hopeless to the greatest state of bliss I had ever experienced. It was like a soothing wave had come over me and enveloped me, it consumed me, it was me. A different voice spoke up this time, I identified it immediately as Jesus Christ. He said to me "whoever you ask now to be saved, will be". I wish to this day I had spent more than a second thinking about it, because I knew, and the voice of God told me. That if i spoke another word I would relive the worst two years of my life minute for minute. I opened my mouth without hesitation, I said "God please grant salvation to my family, my mother, brother, sister and father, grant salvation to all my friends and please God grant salvation to all mankind, from the worst murderer to the kindest person". As soon as I had spoken the words the feeling of bliss and serenity was leaving me, it was like a wave pulling out from shore. I became aware again of my body and my pain and thoughts. Shit. I realised what I just did, i condemned myself to relive the worst two years of my life from the very moment they started.

The last thoughts I remember think was "well at least my europe trip was ok I guess". When i went to sleep that night it was sometime in April of 2016. As i fell asleep I just saw darkness and I suddenly felt myself spinning, it was like i was spinning around and around. I awoke immediately after the spinning had stopped.

I noticed upon opening my eyes that my room was different. My pet snake was in his cage at the bottom of my bed (i had given him back to the breeder in april of 2014). My bed was my old one we had thrown out at the rubbish tip. I looked and my phone was gone, it was my old phone. I ran downstairs and saw my computer which had been in Canberra a few weeks previously. I went to it with great hesitation and read the date, september 29th 2013. The voice had told the truth. I had gone backwards in time, my mother came downstairs and I looked at her and after a second a haze came over me. I became confused, where was i what was I doing.

After a second all my memories of going backwards in time, of the past (now future?) two years had vanished with it. I spent the next two years reliving every moment exactly the same as I had in the previous timeline, from the dream of the black greyhound , the mining job I hated, through to the menial waste of time that was packing boxes in a warehouse. There was one key difference however, at each of these key moments I remember a voice saying to me "Weve been here before". I ignored the voice and wilfully remained an atheist and relived those awful two years again.

It got finally once again to the 24th of March 2016. This time however something different happened, the voice told me the predictions again, but at the same time all my memories of the original timeline of those three nights of terror and of being sent backwards in time came flooding back. I went to the liqour store again and saw a black greyhound in the distance, I remember saying fuck it. and walked to the liqour store and bought some rum and cokes. This time as I walked home a different sight greeted me, it was a man playing with a small golden retriever puppy. I asked him how it was and he said "im not sure yet, it depends on him whether he comes out good or bad".

I once again went home on the bus and saw the car with the number plate Nt NRML infront of me the entire ride. I knew that God was real, I had experienced it. I was living it.

I once again ended up admitting myself to the hospital, I had a different psychiatrist this time. I didnt have faith in God, faith implies an element of uncertainty to me. I KNEW God was real. He had sent me backwards in time. I told my story to my psychologist, to my family. They all dismissed it as psychosis. I knew that If i stopped believing in God the same thing would happen.

This time something different occurred. I actually ended up staying the entire time in the hospital, my doctors tried their best to stop me from believing I had gone back in time. To deny it would have been as impossible to me to deny this very moment as I type my story out to you reader.

While I was in the psychiatric ward I though to myself maybe i should order myself some cool stuff for when I get out. I decided no, the Christ like thing to do would be to donate all my money. I donated through my phone the last few hundred dollars I had. Not an hour passed and I recieved a phone call. It was the Geological Survey asking if in a few weeks I would like to start a contract. I couldnt believe it. In the first timeline they rejected me and now they were offering me a job. I was astounded.

Instead of being admitted early from the hospital I completed the full course. I spoke to my brother on the phone the day I left hospital and he said see it was all in your head, none of your predictions came true. I was puzzled. They did in the first timeline, why did they not come true this timeline.

The next two years after being released from hospital have been the polar opposite of my experience the two years prior. I recieved a permanet position as a Geologist at the geological survey. I found a girlfriend. but one thing remained, a desire and yearning to feel those feelings I had experienced just prior to being sent backwards in time. I stumbled across a number of books detailing peoples NDE's and the like. All of their NDEs talked about Heaven for everyone. None of this made sense. Had heaven rejected me? was I now condemned because I had spoken to live out an eternity stuck on Earth seperated from Gods love?

For the past two years the voice that I believe is God has been talking to me trying to provide me with answers, all I could do was dismiss his answers. it all seemed too good to be true. I was certain I had blown my only chance at heaven. For the past two years despite having every material thing I could ever hope for i have know so much anxiety and over the past four weeks prior to writing this depression. I told myself terrible things like God had cast me aside, that heaven would never recieve me and that not a single soul in heaven cared for me.

The voice I identify as God said to me "i am moving heaven and earth to get you out of this dark place". My anxiety and depression reached the tipping point two days ago, In my head I could picture only a thin silver shining string which to me was hope and I just saw me clinging to it. I have to hope in Heaven and God and salvation. It became too much, I decided i may as well give up on believing in my experience. Whats the point in knowing God is real if he wont save you? I saw in my head my hand holding the rope and letting go. Almost as soon as I had seen my hand let go of the rope I saw in my mind another hand grab my own, it was shining silver and golden. The voice behind the hand said let me help you.

It seemed a familiar voice I couldnt place. I went to my bed and just lay down. The voice introduced itself. It was my cousin who had passed away years ago. He said lets get you out of this dark place and take you to heaven. I said okay. I lay in my bed asking him what to do. He just said follow my voice. I obeyed. he called out repeatedly and each time I followed his voice.

After a while another voice called out to me in my head. It was Jesus, I knew him at an instant because I recognised him from the first time line. He said come follow my voice. I did.

After a while I became aware of a faint silver light coming from the bottom of my vision. Coming from me. I looked and saw this small faintly shining sphere of silver light. I asked Jesus and my cousin what it was. They said it was my soul. I asked why it looked so small and broken. They said because you have hurt yourself so much. They said did you want to let go of it. I replied no, its me and i love me. As soon as I said that I experienced an intense sensation, It was the purest golden shining Joy I could describe, it surrounded and enveloped me. It was inside me and it was me. I didnt know I had this much Joy inside myself.

I asked if i could have this feeling forever, if I could go to heaven and just experience this joy for the rest of time. The voice of God spoke up and said "it is not yet your time my child" I understood. I had to share my Joy, my happiness with everyone I could. I realised I had to share my story in case it could help someone else who had gone through the same. I opened my eyes and the feeling of bliss was gone, all my anger and self loathing, my depression and misery was gone. Just the experience of the Joy inside me overwhelmed me.

I hope this is helpful to at least one person.



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ExNihilo
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Re: My Story in full

Post by ExNihilo » Thu Sep 27, 2018 7:52 pm

You definitely have a lot going on here and I really do hope you're in a better place now.

Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

It seems to me both you and I need to kind of come to terms with what "Reality" really is (and I'm not singling you out, I also am very much a work-in-progress regarding my journey), and, finding that reality, learning to rest and be healed by that reality. No matter what you may be experiencing there is always the reality of who you are - that you are God's child, and no matter what you may be perceiving nothing can separate you from the love of God. This is what I believe and I think it can be backed up by many other people who have come to similar realizations.

I don't personally believe that you went back in time, or that witches are real, but EVEN IF some of these were true, then that would still not have an effect on who you really are regardless of what we perceive in the world of space-time. Many NDErs liken the world to a dream in comparison with their experience of God or Ultimate Reality. This is not to say that you should give up on the world or not take responsibility. You should definitely do your part but at the same time not stress out that God is giving you negative messages that you are unlovable. Trust me, there was one day I had where it was raining and thunder was roaring all around my house and I thought it was a sign of God's displeasure towards me. Never in my life had I witnessed personally so much rain and thunder that the windows squeaked under its loud booming and the whole street where I lived got flooded. I thought any moment the world would spontaneously combust and I'd go to hell. But guess what, I got through it and now feel almost 100% confident that that was my own mind projected out into the world causing me to believe such things. Even if these things have a reality, or they more than reflect my mind state, I chalk it up merely to the dream-quality of this world. This world, in other words, is itself a projection of the Ego and the Ego's guilt, and there are some nice worldviews that explain just that. Look up "A Course In Miracles" if you don't believe me. That's something that has helped me in the past to a great degree and is still helping me now.

Try to take life less seriously and realize even the bad parts exist to point out a lesson to you and that ultimately the meaning of everything is love. No one is beyond forgiveness or coming to know God. In fact, I'd say we ARE God dreaming in a world of guilt and separation. I look forward to talking more if you like, and God Bless You.

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Giulia
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Re: My Story in full

Post by Giulia » Sat Sep 29, 2018 3:12 am

These are beautiful thoughts, ExNihilo. I am a time-traveller, so I am especially interested in this story. The NDE accounts that most fascinate me are those that praise humans for the braveness they display in coming to this world to co-create reality and accept the Ego as an essential aspect in order to allow creation on this plane. On difficult days, I encourage myself with the thought that whatever misery we may experience will one day appear to us in full colours as an essential part of what reality is, thanks to our creative efforts and dedication. :)
Hello from Italy - How I found out about NDERF - A Strange Experience

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Re: My Story in full

Post by ExNihilo » Sat Sep 29, 2018 6:48 pm

Giulia wrote:
Sat Sep 29, 2018 3:12 am
These are beautiful thoughts, ExNihilo. I am a time-traveller, so I am especially interested in this story. The NDE accounts that most fascinate me are those that praise humans for the braveness they display in coming to this world to co-create reality and accept the Ego as an essential aspect in order to allow creation on this plane. On difficult days, I encourage myself with the thought that whatever misery we may experience will one day appear to us in full colours as an essential part of what reality is, thanks to our creative efforts and dedication. :)
This is very true I believe. Spirituality is often all about denying the ego or dancing around it to get to Oneness only, as does ACIM to some extent (or at least that's how it may be interpreted). I think ego, suffering, and the beauty born out of pain gives life plenty of meaning that is perhaps on a par with the experiences of unadulterated Bliss and Love that people have. The Ego is not entirely a mistake. Or if it is then at least it is woven into a larger tapestry of Being, thus rendering it exceptionally valuable....

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